Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Easy Peasy, Lemon Squeezy

I have only one thing to say today, but it's a mighty important thing, indeed. Here it goes:

Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

After that, there's not much else that needs to be said, now is there?

Someone gets in your face, and what do you say to him?

"Easy peasy, lemon squeezy."

Someone cops an attitude or flips out over something stupid? Same thing...

"Easy peasy, lemon squeezy."

It's the perfect expression for reestablishing authority in the face of unreasonable opposition. When the NYPD ousted Occupy Wall Street supporters from Zuccotti Park, instead of cursing out the cops and calling them pawns of the ruling establishment, what would a more useful response have been? It's obvious:

"Easy peasy, lemon squeezy."

The tension would immediately have been diffused, the police would have backed off in panic, and occupiers would still be on Wall Street.

If Jefferson had included this phrase into his Declaration, King George III probably would have been so impressed that he would have granted us independence immediately. If Napoleon had said it to Wellington after Waterloo, defeat would have turned into victory, haute cuisine would have been brought to England in the 19th century, and the free world would have been spared the legacy of overcooked meat and mushy peas.

In his debate with Ronald Regan, Jimmy Carter wanted to respond to Regan's "There you go again" with "Easy peasy, lemon squeezy" but was afraid to appear flippant. And so we had 30 years of free-market economic policies that have taken us to the brink of economic ruin. And all because someone forgot to say...

"Easy peasy, lemon squeezy."

Of course, you have to say it the right way--preferably with a cool Cockney accent and jaunty air of defiance. If you really want to impress, you could include a "love" at the end of the refrain:

"Easy peasy, lemon squeezy, love."

Adding that little flourish will befuddle your opponent even more: he won't know whether you're putting him in his place, making fun of him, or trying to pick him up.

So the next time I'm at a faculty meeting and a colleague tries to thwart one of my brilliant ideas for moving the college into the modern era, rather than getting angry and spewing my usual venom, you know damn well what I'm going to say to him:

Easy peasy lemon squeezy


  1. I don't know if I'd go so far as to say that "easy peasy" is ultimate catch-phrase. I prefer, "That's the fact, Jack." That'll shut people up much quicker.