Monday, August 1, 2011

Philosophy of Mojo: Part 1

From the Writing of Alcibiades J. Grunthaler:

There are those who believe that there is an unlimited amount of mojo in the universe and therefore mojo depletion is of no concern. They could not be further from the truth.

When the Fontalis Plentitudo of Universal Mojo (FPUM) created the current reality in which we are so blessed to inhibit, he shed his own mojo reserves so that all who are able may partake of it. But the great Fontalis is by no means infinite in mojosity, and therefore the sum total of all mojo in the universe is of limited quantity.

Mojo can be measured in human beings according to the Mojo Indicator Scale (MIS), created by the illustrious philosopher, Rocco Capamezzo, who himself was bursting at the seams with mojosity. The scale ranks mojo levels from 1 (total mojo depletion) to 10 (an incarnation of the FPUM). The average male has a mojo level of approximately 3.2. Here's how certain luminaries throughout history rank on the Mojo Indicator Scale:

George Patton (warrior) - 9.9
Pablo Picasso (artist) - 9.4
Jim Morrison (aka, Mr. Mojo Risin) - 9.3
Don Hazlitt (artist) - 9.2
Theodore Roosevelt - 8.7
Bernie Sanders (politician) - 8.6
Snookie (personality) - 8.4
Hillary Clinton (politician) - 8.2
Sara Silverman (commedian) -7.4
Barak Obama (politician) - 2.1
Rush Limbaugh (entertainer) - 1.3

Now, although mojo is limited in human beings, this in no way means that mojo is static. It can be increased or diminished based onseveral factors, the most important of which is the other people with who we choose to interact. There are those individuals who can be called mojo enhancers (ME*), since interaction with such individuals almost always lead to an increase in mojo levels. Mojo enhancers are rare, and, when you find one, make him or her your dearest friend immediately. Such individuals can often be found in divey bars, drinking cheep beer during happy hour and chatting with an assortment of colorful low-lifes.

Mojo depleters (MD*), on the other hand, are fairly common. They sap your vital energy, leaving you in such a constant state of enervation and psychic enervation that true creativity becomes impossible. The petty bureaucrat, the sterile administrator, the shriveled up has-been, and the shrill know-it-all are all almost always mojo depleters. Stay far away from them, shun them like the plague...for they will be your destruction!

Alcibides J. Gruntaler. On the Philosophy of Mojo. 2 Vols.


  1. Are you kiddin! Women aint go no mojo, man.

  2. Snookie has mojo? Apparently, you don't need to have any brains at all to have mojo!

  3. It seems that according to this, the mojo enhancers are the television personalities, the drunks, and in most cases the "losers" of society. The Mojo depleters are the thinkers, the independent people. To say that Snookie of all people has mojo?! Absolutely ridiculous. Naturally the warrior, George Patton, has the most mojo according to you. Is it because he is the movie definition of a "man?"